


i can’t keep this love a secret, & i don’t want to go on longing

by mechup



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-02-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:21:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22501654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mechup/pseuds/mechup
Summary: “Ian—”He immediately cuts her off, “Barbara, there’s something I ought to tell you—”The TARDIS doors opening is loud and nearly causes both of them to jump out of their skin, ruining the moment. Susan appears and gestures for them to come back inside.(or: five times Ian tries to let Barbara know he's in love with her + one time he actually does)
Relationships: Ian Chesterton/Barbara Wright
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	i can’t keep this love a secret, & i don’t want to go on longing

**Author's Note:**

> if you feel like you've read this already, it's bc you probably have bc i posted this like 2 years ago & then deleted it but it's back & edited & stuff now

_i can’t keep this from you,_

_it’s hard to breathe in here,_

_i just seem to act the fool_

_every time i feel you near_

_—I Can’t Keep This From You by Elton John_

**one**

It’s the first calm moment they’ve had in a while since boarding the Doctor’s ship, and Barbara and Ian have found a quiet space for themselves outside, laying on the cool grass. The dark sky is starry and gorgeous above them, their silhouettes only illuminated by the glow of the moon. The Doctor and Susan are off somewhere in the TARDIS repairing something, Barbara is laughing at something that Ian has just said, and Ian is trying to will his heart to stop beating so fast.

Barbara’s laugh is contagious and Ian can’t help the grin that forms on his own face in return, finding it pleasing to simply _be_ with her. Their laughter dies down after a moment, and Ian has to look away before he does something stupid like ruin everything between them and give in to his overwhelming urge to kiss her.

He clears his throat and looks back at her. “I know we can’t tell anyone about the aliens or the ship or anything else we’ve seen, but sometimes I wish I was able to talk to someone about all of it.”

“You have me,” Barbara says, because she perfectly understands what he means, “and Susan and the Doctor.”

“Yes, but you’ve all gone through it with me,” he reminds her. “I wish I could tell an outsider, someone who doesn’t know about any of the things we’ve been through.”

“I feel the same, I suppose, if I’m being honest,” she says, taking his hands in hers, seeking the comfort it brings her whenever she touches him. Neither of them would be able to pinpoint when or how it started, but the nearly constant physical contact between them has become something they both depend on. “But no one would ever believe even one bit of it.”

“You have a point,” he agrees with a chuckle. She’s always right, it’s one of the things he loves about her. “I’m not even sure _I_ believe it, and I went through it all.”

She looks up to the stars and the rest of the universe, pointing. “We could’ve been there. We could’ve seen any of these stars up close.”

He has to force himself to tear his eyes away from her and follow her gaze. He only has one thing he needs to do around Barbara and it’s to not make a fool of himself, which he feels he fails at every time he talks to her. “It does make it all seem even more beautiful, doesn’t it? Now that we’ve seen all that we have?”

She nods in agreement and turns so that she’s on her side facing him, propped up on her elbow. He does the same.

“It is more magical,” she says, the appreciation in her voice making her sound like a young girl seeing the world for the first time with childish wonder. “Feels like I can appreciate it more.”

“Yeah. Feels like I can appreciate the other things in life, too. Like Susan.” _Like you_ , Ian doesn’t say. “If we hadn’t gone to that junkyard after school that one day to talk to her and her grandfather, we never would have had any of these adventures.”

“I haven’t thought about it like that,” she admits. She brushes a strand of hair behind her ear, Ian’s eyes tracking the movement. Between the topic of conversation and the fact that they’re alone, it feels like she’s exposed, helpless to the intimacy in the air. She’s grateful it’s dark because she just _knows_ her cheeks are flushing. “Suppose we got lucky that day, didn’t we?”

“I don’t think it was luck,” he says with a shrug. “I think it has to do with a lot more than luck.”

She searches his face, finding everything he’s thinking in his expression. Ian is usually an open book and now is no different; she almost wishes his face was uninterpretable, because then she wouldn’t be overwhelmed with the adoration and fondness ~~and lov~~ ~~e~~ he’s feeling. “Ian—”

He immediately cuts her off, “Barbara, there’s something I ought to tell you—”

The TARDIS doors opening is loud and nearly causes both of them to jump out of their skin, ruining the moment. Susan appears and gestures for them to come back inside.

“Grandfather and I fixed it!” she calls to them. “It’s safe to come in again!”

“We’ll be right there, Susan!” Barbara shouts back, watching as she disappears back into the ship. She turns back to Ian. “What were you saying?”

He shakes his head, all his courage disappearing. “Nothing, it’s not important. Let’s go.” He gets to his feet and holds his hand out to help her up, trying to ignore the way his skin goes fuzzy as she touches him.

**two**

While traveling through all of time and space is one of the most amazing things someone could experience, it is also one of the most dangerous. Barbara, Ian, Susan, and the Doctor all run straight to the ship, not risking even looking back at the creature chasing them in case it slows them down. They enter the TARDIS as quickly as possible, trying to get to safety.

“Shut the doors, Susan!” Ian yells, Susan immediately running over to the console and pressing the button that controls the doors. They close, locking the creature out and leaving the four of them to catch their breath.

“Everyone all right?” the Doctor asks, breathing just a bit harder than the rest of them, moving over to Susan to put his arm around her shoulders.

“I’m fine, Grandfather,” she answers, smiling up at him.

“I’m all right,” Barbara says, and Ian nods in agreement.

“Good, good,” the Doctor replies. He ruffles Susan’s hair, pleased that none of them had died or gotten too injured. “Why don’t you come with me, Susan? We need to very quickly check something in the next room.”

Susan follows him out of the room, leaving Barbara and Ian alone.

“You sure you’re okay?” he asks her, stepping closer to her so he can place his hand on her arm. “We almost didn’t make it back here in time.”

“I’m positive,” she answers, trying to hide her smile at his concern for her. “But what about you?”

“I’m alive, so there’s not much to complain about,” he jokes.

Barbara tilts her head back as she laughs, the melodious sound making his heart stutter for a moment. “Believe me, I wouldn’t change _any_ of this for the world, but I do sometimes wish we could get some peace and quiet occasionally.”

“I know what you mean,” he says with a nod. It’s extremely rare that they aren’t running for their lives from something trying to kill them. “It is all very exciting and I’m in better shape than I’ve ever been, but I’d just like to relax once in a while.”

“You think the Doctor would listen to us if we asked him if we could just... take a vacation?” she asks, all too familiar with the Doctor’s short temper.

“I don’t think he could even if he wanted to,” Ian says, sounding like he’s joking but actually dead serious. “He can’t even bring us home, how’s he going to try to go somewhere else and actually succeed?”

“You know what, you’re right... Well, I suppose one of these days, we might accidentally end up somewhere harmless. That isn’t completely far fetched, is it?” She shakes her head fondly and he gives her a lingering look. “What?”

“Nothing,” he says quickly, suddenly looking nervous. She raises her eyebrows at him and he gets even more flustered, clearing his throat. He’s spent a long while trying to hide his love for this woman but sometimes he worries that he’s being too obvious about how he actually feels about her. He’s certain Susan and the Doctor already know, and he wouldn’t be surprised if Barbara herself knew as well. She’s one of the smartest people he knows and he’s never been good at keeping secrets, so he figures he might as well tell her before she finds out by accident. “Actually, I think there’s something I need to say...”

“What is it?” she asks, giving him her undivided attention in encouragement.

He pauses for a moment as he tries to control his nerves. “Well—”

And Susan and the Doctor choose that exact moment to enter the room again, causing Ian to abruptly stop talking. He doesn’t know if he’s more relieved or annoyed, but there’s no way he’s going to say it with the two of them in the room. Barbara gives him a curious look but he simply shakes his head, muttering that he’ll tell her later.

**three**

Barbara and Ian are left to watch in horror as the aliens take the Doctor and Susan away.

“We have to go after them!” he tells Barbara as soon as the aliens are out of earshot and it’s safe to come out of where they had been hiding. 

She shakes her head. “We’d just end up getting caught too, and then we’d _really_ not be able to help them. What we need to do is figure out where they were taken and how we can get there without being seen, and how to get all four of us out of here.”

As her words sink in, he finds himself very thankful that she’s here; she has more sense than the other three of them combined and without her, they’d all most likely be dead already.

“Okay,” he agrees, trying to get himself to stop panicking so he can think clearly enough to help her form a plan. “They’re clearly planning to kill Susan and the Doctor... Maybe they’re in some type of holding cell?”

She nods, having been thinking the same thing. “It shouldn’t be too difficult to find, considering how small this place is. We’ll have to find a guard or someone who we can distract and take the keys.”

“We could make a commotion loud enough in another room loud enough that they can hear,” he suggests. “One of us could pretend to have gotten hurt?”

“Good idea!” She gives him a smile and continues. “Then we can ambush the guards as they’re distracted, take the keys, and get the Doctor and Susan out.”

“Let’s just hope the guards will be held off long enough for us to get them out and for all of us to escape,” he says, hoping things will work out smoothly.

“It’s no use thinking negatively,” she tells him, fairly confident in their plan. “If it doesn’t work out, we’ll just do what we always do: run.”

“Yes, ma’am.” He chuckles and puts his hand on her back, guiding them towards the direction the Doctor and Susan had been taken.

The pathway is dark and the excuse he gives himself for keeping his hand on Barbara is so he doesn’t lose her, it would be a disaster if they got separated. He knows he’s just lying to himself, because the warm feeling in his chest that he can’t get enough of isn’t a coincidence, it happens every time they’re in close proximity to each other. It leads to him touching her as much as possible, whether it’s running into each other’s arms after they’ve had an adventure where one of them almost died, or holding onto each other briefly as they walk past each other, or even ‘accidentally’ brushing against one another when they’re standing just a bit too close to be friendly.

“Are you blushing?” Barbara asks, snapping him out of his thoughts. He quickly shakes his head no, but if anything, he blushes even more at her accusation.

“What?” he asks, pretending like he can’t feel how pink his cheeks currently are getting. “Blushing? No. Why would I be blushing?”

“I don’t know,” she replies, seeing right through his words. “Why _are_ you blushing?”

“I’m not,” he insists, but he can tell she doesn’t buy that at all. He pauses, half of him just wanting to tell her already while the other half warns him to guide the conversation as far away from this topic as possible. He itches at his neck, the room feeling hot. “I was just... thinking about something.”  
  
“About what?” 

“About...” he trails off, actually considering telling her. He opens his mouth to finally say it before he loses his nerve, to tell her it was _her_ he was thinking about, but he hears footsteps from ahead of them and pulls her to the side of the path where they’ll be hidden in the shadows. He puts a finger to his lips to signal to her not to speak as the person walks past, using the distraction to pretend he had forgotten all about the conversation.

**four**

When Ian wakes up, his head is pounding and his entire body aches. He opens his eyes and finds himself on the cold floor, evidently having been knocked out. He frowns and tries to sit up slowly so the pain doesn’t get worse, belatedly realizing he’s in a prison cell. He senses movement out of the corner of his eye so he turns, seeing Barbara across from him. 

“Barbara,” he says gently, not wanting to speak too loudly in case she has a headache as bad as he does. “Barbara, wake up.”

She does within moments, jerking away before her eyes focus on him and she realizes he isn’t someone trying to harm her. She looks around the room, “Where are we?”

“Looks like some type of cell,” he answers, reaching out and taking her arm to help her sit up. “They must have knocked us both out and then brought us here. Are you in any pain?”

“Not too much,” she answers, and he doesn’t know if she simply doesn’t want him worrying about her or if she truly isn’t in a lot of pain but he accepts her answer, nodding. 

“We have to figure out how to get out of here.” He tries to stand up to examine the lock by the doors but apparently he’s still disoriented because he almost falls over in the process. He turns back and finds Barbara watching him, trying to hold back her laughter. He shakes his head, his own smile forming, and he moves slowly to pull at the lock. “It’s no use trying.”

“I suppose we’ll just have to wait for Susan and the Doctor,” she says with a sigh. “Who knows how long it’ll take them to find us.”

“Have some faith in them, Barbara,” he tells her, sitting back down next to her. “They’ll have to find us soon enough.”

“I hope so,” she says. She tries to give him a small smile but it turns into a wince and she brings a hand up to rub at her forehead.

“You sure you aren’t in too much pain?” he asks, moving closer to hold her free hand as a source of comfort.

“I’ll be okay,” she answers, but he still thinks she’s in more pain than she’s letting on. 

“All right,” he says suspiciously. “If you say so.”

“You don’t need to fuss so much, Ian. It’s just a simple headache,” she reassures him. 

He shrugs, “I just don’t like to see you hurting.”

“Well, thank you.” She doesn’t look surprised, exactly, but him saying it out loud was slightly unexpected. “The same goes for you.”

The way she’s looking at him is the same way as when he thinks that maybe, just maybe, there’s a chance she might return his feelings. Most of the time he doesn’t think it’s possible, but sometimes her expression will be the same as his is when he catches himself unable to take his eyes off her. He should just get it over with and finally tell her.

The second he opens his mouth, he hears Susan’s voice coming from down the corridor, and he doesn’t say anything further.

**five**

Ian wakes up to someone shaking his shoulders. He begrudgingly opens his eyes, seeing Susan standing over him and giving him a smile.

“We’ve landed,” she informs him. “Grandfather wanted me to wake you up; we’re going to go and explore soon.”

Ian tiredly rubs at his eyes, stifling a yawn. He can’t keep track of time while he’s on the TARDIS and he doesn’t know if time even works the same here, but he feels like he hasn’t been asleep for _nearly_ enough hours. Nevertheless, he says, “Thank you, Susan. I’ll be out in a minute.”

She grins excitedly at him before leaving the room, and he stretches his arms out and gets up, quickly changing his clothes before he exits to enter the main console room.

Barbara is already there, looking chipper and awake. She turns around as she hears him enter.

“Ian!” she says brightly, smiling at him. “Good morning.”

“Good morning,” he replies, giving her a smile in return, albeit a much more sleepy one. “Did Susan wake you up?  
  


“She did,” Barbara nods. “Just a few minutes ago.”

“A few minutes ago?” he repeats. “And you’re already so lively?”

She shrugs, because she doesn’t fully understand it herself. “Susan told me it’s because of the ship making sure I’m well rested. Apparently she’s taken a liking to me.”

“Really?” he asks, the TARDIS being able to have opinions of people and affect them like that news to him. “I don’t believe you.”

“I didn’t believe it either,” she says, because the idea of the ship doing something like that sounded equally as ridiculous to her. “But the other day, Susan and I were talking about how everything we’ve gone through with the Doctor puts things into perspective.”

“What kind of things?” he asks.

“What’s most important to us. The Doctor and the ship are important to each other, so they influence one another. Since the Doctor likes me, so does the ship,” she explains. She hasn’t been able to completely wrap her head around it, but she more or less gets the concept. “It’s like how the Doctor also has Susan.”

“Oh, I see,” Ian says, beginning to understand. “Like I have—” 

He snaps his mouth shut, only barely stopping himself from saying the next word.

“What?” she asks, now curious about what is most important to him.

He gives a nervous laugh as he tries to think of something to tell her. His brain goes blank leaving him unable to come up with anything, and he _could_ tell her the truth but he settles on stretching it ever so slightly. “Like I have you three. We’ve been through so much, I can hardly imagine things without all of you.”

He doesn’t let himself say any more than that, because he knows if he continues, then he won’t be able to stop. 

**\+ one**

Ian stares at the scene in front of him.

The corridor is musty and dark, so the only rational explanation is that what he’s looking at is merely a trick of the light. But the longer he looks, the more real it seems and he has to take a step closer, only for his breath to catch in his throat as he realizes that it _is_ indeed what he had initially thought.

It’s Barbara, lying on the floor, unmoving.

Ian shakes his head, trying to clear his head in case he’s imagining it. He doesn’t believe it, this isn’t supposed to happen, she’s supposed to _always_ be safe. His heart begins racing in panic and he might be a science teacher but it doesn’t even occur to him that she might not be dead, only unconscious.

“Barbara,” he says, because there’s nothing else he can even think of saying. His voice is nothing more than a whisper, unable to manage anything louder. He watches her, watches as she doesn’t move an inch, watches the person who should currently be giving him that bright, gorgeous smile of hers as she teases him. He almost expects her to suddenly sit up and laugh at the look on his face before reassuring him that she’d never just leave him like that, but it never happens.

He doesn’t know what to do. He can’t think straight so he doesn’t yell for the Doctor or Susan, he sinks to his knees and reaches out to her with shaking hands, gripping the bottom of her turtleneck as tightly as he can, as if it’ll somehow bring her back to him. He looks at her face, searching for any signs of life, but he doesn’t see a thing.

“Barbara,” he repeats, having to clear his throat when he hears how choked up he sounds. He moves his hand up from her shirt to cup her cheek and he scans her face for _anything_ , not seeing her fingers briefly twitch.

It was _not_ supposed to be like this, she was supposed to always be out of harm’s way. He’s had so much bottled up inside of him, so much he’d meant to tell her but never got the courage to. He’s seen a lot traveling with the Doctor, more than he ever could have imagined, but Barbara lying there motionless is without a doubt the scariest thing he has ever seen in his life.

His thumb gently strokes her cheek before he removes it, leaning in to press a kiss to her forehead. He shuts his eyes, completely missing Barbara blink her own eyes open.

“I’m sorry,” he says, but he doesn’t know exactly what he’s sorry _for_. Maybe for not being able to save her, maybe for that one time he raised his voice at her when she didn’t deserve it, maybe for every wrong thing he’s ever done to her. “There’s so much that you should know but you _don’t_ and now you never will, but Barbara, I—”

“Oh, Ian, you utterly ridiculous man,” Barbara interrupts, and Ian’s eyes shoot open in alarm to see her looking up at him, once again conscious, a weak and tired smile on her face. “Of course I know.”


End file.
